Beatitude of the Mundane

Integrity… on my own time.

Exorcising the Guilt

September29

Hi, I’m Becky.  And I’m a recovering Catholic.  I’m tempted to say recovered, except for that one little nagging hanger-on, that feeling of guilt.  And not guilt at having turned my back on religion, not guilt at having left ‘the church’.  Just guilt in general.  Self-imposed guilt.

For example, I’ve been sick for 2+ weeks.  I have a cold that I just can’t seem to shake.  Sleep has been less than forthcoming due to some serious teething happening in the Bug’s mouth.  So some mornings, during her nap, I find myself laying down too, giving myself some quiet time to rest or read.  And it feels lovely, until I hear her waking up, and the flood of ll the things I should have been doing rush to the front of my mind.  The voice in my head starts berating me and my lack of decision-making skills.  I should have been working, exercising, cleaning, creating.  Anything except for the thing I chose to do!  (The fact that I do tend to procrastinate doing the work that brings in a paycheck doesn’t help…)

I know I’ve written about balance before.  It’s on my mind a lot.  It’s something I am constantly striving for, and often feel like I am close to achieving.  As banal as my life is, I love it, and am happy.  I like being a stay-at-home mama.  I like working freelance.  I like wearing jeans and tee-shirts everyday of the week, going to the park to swing, playing, washing diapers, being here with the Bug each and every day to watch and help her grow.  And I do need time for myself, I get that, I really do.  So why does the guilt still find so much room to dwell within me?  How can I simultaneously acknowledge what I need to be happy and healthy, while already dismissing it as overly-indulgent?

posted under family
One Comment to

“Exorcising the Guilt”

  1. On November 1st, 2010 at 00:29 Bethany Says:

    Hey Becky -

    So, this is one of the many reasons why we are such good friends. I feel like you are talking for me…I can’t even find 15 minutes in a day to do yoga. 15 freakin’ minutes… on that note. Once you figure this one out, will you share it with me?! Hang in there, and don’t let the guilt keep you from a well-deserved nap!

    -Bethany :)

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