Hi, I’m Becky. And I’m a recovering Catholic. I’m tempted to say recovered, except for that one little nagging hanger-on, that feeling of guilt. And not guilt at having turned my back on religion, not guilt at having left ‘the church’. Just guilt in general. Self-imposed guilt.
For example, I’ve been sick for 2+ weeks. I have a cold that I just can’t seem to shake. Sleep has been less than forthcoming due to some serious teething happening in the Bug’s mouth. So some mornings, during her nap, I find myself laying down too, giving myself some quiet time to rest or read. And it feels lovely, until I hear her waking up, and the flood of ll the things I should have been doing rush to the front of my mind. The voice in my head starts berating me and my lack of decision-making skills. I should have been working, exercising, cleaning, creating. Anything except for the thing I chose to do! (The fact that I do tend to procrastinate doing the work that brings in a paycheck doesn’t help…)
I know I’ve written about balance before. It’s on my mind a lot. It’s something I am constantly striving for, and often feel like I am close to achieving. As banal as my life is, I love it, and am happy. I like being a stay-at-home mama. I like working freelance. I like wearing jeans and tee-shirts everyday of the week, going to the park to swing, playing, washing diapers, being here with the Bug each and every day to watch and help her grow. And I do need time for myself, I get that, I really do. So why does the guilt still find so much room to dwell within me? How can I simultaneously acknowledge what I need to be happy and healthy, while already dismissing it as overly-indulgent?